How to Calm Your Nervous System & Regulate Your Emotions (Stop Reacting, Start Responding)

Learning how to regulate your emotions can transform the way you navigate challenges, relationships, and daily stressors. This conversation explores what it means to pause, process, and respond intentionally, while gaining a deeper understanding of the nervous system's role in emotional responses.

I share practical tools you can use to calm your body and create space before reacting. From simple grounding techniques to small shifts in awareness, these are methods you can come back to when you feel overwhelmed, triggered, or emotionally charged.

Thanks so much for listening! If this episode resonated with you, make sure to subscribe and leave a review. New episodes drop every Tuesday morning, and you can follow me on Instagram @Stephanie_Monge to stay connected and come along for the journey.

Transcript

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Have you ever responded to something and immediately thought, why did I react like that? Or maybe it was a situation that you were acting on knowing that maybe it was a bad idea, or just felt so out of control over your emotions that you don't even know how to handle them or how to express yourself or what you can do to calm down your emotions. I think emotional regulation is such an important topic that we're not really educated on. And I would love to shine light on this today. This is something that I have consciously been working on and bringing more awareness to in my own life. I used to be someone that really was like when it rained, it poured so much just excess emotion that not only did I not know how to express myself, but I also didn't know where I could put the energy into. So, what is emotional regulation? This is your ability to pause, feel, and respond instead of immediately reacting. It's not necessarily about suppressing emotions or being even calm all the time. It's more about having awareness and choice in your response. It's not about being less emotional, but more so being more aware of your emotions. Emotions in general are a pretty interesting topic to me because I think that the way that you feel can really change your perception on your life. Like you can have on paper everything be going well, but if you're not taking care of how you feel, your emotional health and mindset, you're going to live in a different way. You're gonna carry a different energy and you're gonna show up differently on an everyday basis. So I think it's really important to hone down on what it means to be emotional. And I think it's really important to point out that everybody is emotional. Everybody just expresses it very differently. Everybody has their own way of feeling and coping and handling different types of emotions. But at the end of the day, I think being able to pause and reflect on the emotions is super important on an everyday basis and just how you're able to carry through life. When our emotions are dysregulated, this can cause us to overreact in conversations or even shutting down or completely avoiding conflict, overthinking texts and situations, feeling too overwhelmed very quickly, or also getting triggered easily in friendships and relationships. These feelings can directly affect stress, giving feelings of burnout, maybe lack of rest and hormones. So the way that you're dysregulated may come out differently. I think I used to be maybe a person in certain situations. If it was people that I was comfortable with that I would maybe overreact. And if I wasn't close to the person, I would maybe shut down. So it's also, I think, really important to think about where your dysregulated emotions show up in your life now, and also how the relationships in your life are they affected differently because of how close or maybe comfortable you might feel with someone. How does your dysregulated emotions show up in that way versus with someone maybe you're not as close with? And really, this is not a negative thing at all. The reason why we have a nervous system at all and emotions and feelings is really it's trying to protect you, your nervous system. Different past experiences, stress, and emotional patterns do shape your reactions, things that happen when you were little. In reality, everybody experiences trauma. And so different past emotions and maybe ways that people around you, when you were younger, dealt with their nervous system being dysregulated affects how you're able to cope with these and how it shows up in your life. Sometimes your body just reacts before your mind can catch up. Really, your body isn't working against you, it's just trying to protect you. So I just want to highlight that really it's a beautiful thing that we're able to feel, that we're able to have emotions and being able to reflect on them and trying to learn from them is really where we can take a little bit more control and accountability. And this is going to better be able to serve us in the future. And I think being able to reflect on them and learn from them and really grow from them is a personal responsibility. And I think that not everybody necessarily understands that concept. The sooner you realize how important it is, I think the more fulfilling and enriching your life will be. I think this really shows up in so many aspects of life. With friends, it can be like feeling misunderstood or rejected too quickly. I think that in reality, we all can experience this, especially nowadays with phones and we have such easy access. I think so many, at least I'm very guilty of not necessarily always picking up the phone and calling when something happens, and this can lead to an easier effect of misunderstanding and misreading tones. And that's one of the worst feelings. So I definitely think being able to call, I like to utilize voice memos too, but I think really being able to internalize what's happening and finding coping mechanisms to emotionally regulate before necessarily reacting sometimes can be a stronger tool in the toolbox to be able to cope with the situation and handle the situation more gracefully. Again, like I said too, that the avoidance can lead to the emotional buildup and this can lead to like either exploding or withdrawing. And we don't want that either. But most friendship issues aren't really necessarily could be about the situation. It's more about the emotional state when it happens. Going back to the conversation that we had about friendships last week, I think that this is a huge part in friendships is regulating the emotions properly so that we are better equipped to handle the situation. Something that I wish I had mentioned in that episode is assumptions can really, really affect relationships, assuming anything. And so when we're able to emotionally regulate and then speak from that place, our friendships will be that much better because assuming, I feel like is really projecting maybe own insecurities and emotions onto others. And so I think that this is where integrating emotional regulation is really important, especially in our relationships. So I'm going to break down some tools for emotional regulation, keeping it practical and just some of the things that I utilize and maybe some things that I maybe I need to utilize. So a way that I really try to keep my emotional regulation on track and my communication, therefore, on track is by really trying to be aware of my thoughts. A really interesting concept to me is that we are not our thoughts, but then at the same time, our thoughts do have the power to control our reality. So meaning that not everything we tell ourselves is true. Just because we think it, it doesn't mean that it's a fact or that that is the reality. But at the same time, if we are constantly feeding ourselves stories and maybe toxic thoughts, I think that it can be really detrimental to not only how we view ourselves, but how we view our world and therefore how we show up in the world. So it's a very fine line, I think, between both. And I think that there's really a true power in both. I think it's really powerful to know that we are not everything that we think. When I found out this concept of we are not our thoughts, it really blew my mind that, you know, just because we think something doesn't mean it's true. But then also there is so much power in our thoughts. So really taking like mental inventory of the stories that we tell ourselves, what we're believing, what we're feeding ourselves, it really gets ingrained in the mind. But I think the beauty in that fine line is that we also have the power to change that at any time that we want. I mean, it sounds easy when I say it like that. It's obviously not easy, especially when this is something that is a habit and almost an addiction. The thoughts that we tell ourselves and the stories that we believe about ourselves and our stories, they can be really ingrained in the mind and really difficult to change. It's not something that just, you know, happens in a day just because you realize, oh wow, this is the story I tell myself. I don't want to attach to that anymore. You know, it's every single day that you have to constantly show up and remind yourself of the new story that you want to ingrain in your mind and the positivity. And I think that it's really beautiful that we have the capacity and that our brains are so powerful that we can do that. It's such a blessing. A couple of books that came to mind that this concept started getting introduced to me is The Power of Now and Atomic Habits. Those two books are super powerful, really easy reads. I feel like they are kind of self-help, but in a very tangible and digestible way. Yeah, I think that has really been powerful to me of where are my thoughts? What am I telling myself? And making sure A, that I'm not victimizing myself. And B, are these thoughts super rooted in emotion? If I were to take my emotion out of it, what would the story be? So just, I mean, that's really just self-awareness of being able to remove yourself from what you're thinking and remove your emotions to have a better picture of what the reality of the situation really is. Number two, is something that I've started integrating as of lately. I think maybe in the past year or two, is kind of delaying the reaction if needed. Don't necessarily respond immediately when I'm in, you know, that activated emotional state. I'm the type of person, I'm a Taurus, and I'm just the type of person that, or I used to be the type of person that I would really not like, not only confrontation necessarily. I don't know if I would say necessarily confrontation, but more so like the tension in general. I would want it to be resolved as soon as possible. So it wasn't necessarily I was okay with the confrontation because I wanted it to be over, and that led it to my emotional state being even more heightened because it had to be resolved as soon as possible. And sometimes things just need space. And I think that it's okay in so many different situations with partners or work or relationships, friendships, family, whatever it is, even maybe with yourself. I think being able to pause and take a step back and not necessarily have to have a resolution as soon as maybe you put out in your head or that you want, and it can be really uncomfortable, really uncomfortable, especially if it includes another person and maybe there's tension in the relationship and being able to be okay with something not being okay, or someone being upset with you, or you being upset with someone and just sitting in that feeling is definitely not an easy thing, but it is way better off like that sometimes and worth it to just sit in the discomfort sometimes. And it makes you better off when the conversation is ready to be had, to come at it from a clear head than to just have an explosion of emotion and maybe not communicate the correct way rather than waiting a day, waiting two days, and being able to come at it from a more grounded place. Something that really helps me when I'm feeling uncomfortable is moving my body. Walking is really great, especially being able to get out in nature if possible and look at the trees and hear noises, the birds tripping, get some sunlight in your face. Also, journaling is one of the greatest tools in my toolbox. Being able to get a pen and paper and just dump all of my mind, everything that's going on has been one of the greatest tools that I'm so grateful that I've been able to find and integrate. I think the best way that you can commit to journaling, because I really do understand that everybody's different with it. Some people, you know, it's everyday thing and they do want to do it a certain way. I think the best way to commit to journaling is just not putting any pressure on how you have to show up. Don't expect yourself to show up a certain way. Don't say, oh, I have to do four pages. I have to say what I'm grateful for, even though all these things could be great. But I try and show up even if it's just like, this is what I did yesterday and it made me feel good, or I'm not feeling so great. So like whatever it is, even if it's so simple, at least a couple times a week. But then having the habit more consistently, it makes me more equipped to lean on that and towards that when I am having some type of emotional turbulence to rely on that because it's more integrated into my life. So I'm more drawn to it when I need it as a tool. Yeah, it's really helped me in so many situations, just be able to better understand what I'm feeling, how I'm processing, and especially being able to see it on a piece of paper and be able to read it back. Sometimes I like read stuff and I'm like, wait, this is like not necessarily valid. I don't I don't like the word valid because I think everybody's no matter emotional state, whether it's valid or not, I think really at the end of the day, sometimes like feelings are just feelings and you can't change how you feel. You can't change your emotional state. I mean, this is where emotional regulation comes in because being able to see it in a different light, I think is really important. But I think it's also really important to be able to just validate how you feel, even if it doesn't necessarily make sense, quote unquote, maybe to other people or even to yourself reading it back. But I think that being able to read it back, I think it's important to accept how you feel. Fighting any emotion is not gonna do anybody any good. Being able to validate and accept how you feel comes from understanding how you feel. But then sometimes being able to see on a piece of paper really puts it into perspective and you can kind of hold yourself more accountable. Like, what is the story that I'm telling myself right now? You know, where are my emotions in the story? Where is the reality in the story and things like that? And then a couple other tools that maybe I need to integrate that I think are really powerful are naming the emotion. I can't really put a finger on if I do this or not. I think maybe sometimes, but I think I could maybe do a better job at integrating what is it that I feel? Is it overwhelm? Am I feeling hurt? Am I feeling anxious? Whatever the situation, whatever the scenario, what is the emotion being provoked? Because then you can kind of have a better understanding for yourself and also be able to express it more clearly. Something that I really, really love for emotional regulation. This one helps me most with anxiety is paying attention to your five senses. This is something that I've utilized really in like crowds and just like feelings of like overwhelmed anxiety is having something you can touch, taste, smell, hear, and see, and really utilizing your senses to calm your nervous system. This really puts you in the present moment. And yeah, I feel like maybe this is like the best with anxiety. I am someone that has really struggled in the past with anxiety. Luckily, I feel like nowadays it's not as intense. At least I don't really haven't had a panic attack in a while, which is great. So this is an amazing tool in the toolbox. And yeah, just if it's gum, you know, that wakes up the mouth, gives you something to think about, having like a perfume or just a lip gloss. You can feel it on your lips, you can smell it. Having something that you can touch and paying attention to that, I think is so, so helpful. And going in theme with that is the breath. The breath holds so much power, especially in the nervous system, that just paying attention to how you're breathing and being able to relax and calm your breath is so underrated and underutilized. Being able to breathe in for the count of three, hold it, breathe out slowly. I always like to say in my sound classes when I'm doing the meditation part of it is that when you exhale longer than you inhale, it helps to really slow down your breath and your heart rate. So if anything, just do that. And closing the eyes, just being able to take a moment for yourself. It also gives your brain the space and kind of silence because you're focusing on your breath and the pace of your breathing, that your mind can be less occupied with whatever else is on your mind, whether it be stress, whatever emotion it is, I can really kind of remove you from that and get you more in the present. Presence is so powerful. That's something that I'm really trying to embody more this year, is just trying to be as present as possible just on an everyday basis. And the breath is such a simple tool that we all have access to free. You don't need a fancy app or a class to be able to do it. Yeah, I think I need to utilize this one a little bit more. I facilitate this a lot, like I said in my meditations, but I think being able to a start the day with calming down the nervous system and utilizing breath to do that can help set the tone of your day to be better equipped to handle all types of emotional stress and just regulate first thing in the morning. So important. I think that also helps not only, like I said, to remove yourself from the emotion, but also delay the process of thinking about it. I think something that can be really detrimental to emotional regulation is the spiral of it all. I think that we can sometimes, I mean, I know that I can kind of go to maybe the person that I know will give me what I want to hear. And that leads to more spiral. And, you know, I think just being in your head, only in your head, can be the worst place that you could be. So when you get a piece of paper to write it down or just take a moment in your breath and invite presence, it takes you out of that. And that is the simplest thing that you can do. So the tools that I mentioned are getting outside of your head, getting real about what story are you telling yourself, taking accountability for it, delaying your reaction if needed, being able to name the emotion. Number four, connecting to the breath, utilizing the breath as a tool and playing off of that is depending on the emotion that you have, focusing on the five senses and being able to pause before responding, not having to feel like everything has to be figured out right in that moment, and being able to get out of the head. I think the first step to emotional regulation is just having the awareness of your emotions and what it means to be emotionally regulated, paying attention to your nervous system, what triggers you, and don't worry about it being perfect. It's just really understanding and getting to know yourself a little bit more. And from that awareness, you can begin to notice in real time and slowly start choosing a different response. There's so much power in being able to understand ourselves and moving through emotions in a way that feels a lot more grounded, is not only gonna be better for the people around you, but also just how you feel in your own body and how grounded and peaceful you can feel. Because at the end of the day, we're never gonna be able to remove chaos in our lives completely. This is just yin yang part of life, is you know, there's gonna be things that come up that aren't the best. That's life. We have to deal with unfortunate situations and confrontation. But when you're able to handle those situations with grace and calmness and groundness, that's when life just becomes a little bit more peaceful and a little bit more manageable to deal with. And I think that's really where true peace comes from. And also know that we're not able to ever change anybody's emotions or change the way anyone feels or acts and deals with things. So taking accountability and control of how we can show up and we can respond, I think that is the most powerful and present place that you can be. So maybe this week just notice a moment where you feel yourself getting activated, whether it's a conversation or friendship or even just in your own thoughts. Instead of judging it, just observe it, remove yourself from it and just bring awareness to it. That awareness alone is where everything begins to shift. The last place we want to be is judgmental in our own head. We have to deal with ourselves every single day. So make your mind a calming grounding place to be. Thank you so much for listening. I hope this is tangible and you can have some new tools in your toolbox. You can find me on Instagram at Stephanie underscore Mongi and new episodes every single Friday. I love you so much. Talk to you next week. Bye.